Stevie

Stevie

lets just say, "I still dont wanna talk about it"....someday i'll replace these words with....whatever.

i made this video in June...you can tell I'm backtracking on my bloggy posts... Its Dec, I'm snowed in in Santa Fe and this particular post was and still is too difficult to write...ohh well

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Birthday Swanning

Birthday Swanning

I had the most wonderful 30 something birthday ever! On the 4th, Shelly, Brandon, Emaree, Yuvall and Johnny and I went and rented swan boats on town lake with a picnic....it was magical. Plastic cups of wine and pastries went to my head and the most perfect calm came over me. I felt sure of myself and the past obstacles of the last few years melted away with the warm spring day. They say people born in the springtime suffer more, but on this day it all went away. I had my new lappy, and more importunately a new independence in an recent acquisition of an Airstream motorhome....so much to look forward to.

Well anyway, we had a blast. Brandon rode his pettycab loaded with goodies down Lamar blocking traffic all the way as we followed. The swans themselves were rather clunky, but lots of swimming ensued! We came back to the Forest for roasty feast and buzzed hanging on my hoop upside down in my tattered red circus dress.

On my actual birthday, the 5th was very quiet. Stevie called me and asked if i wanted to go to Barton Springs...of course. He had no idea it was my birthday, i had no intention of reminding him. We had easy conversation and sat silently all afternoon on the rocks on the "doggy side" of the springs. That would be the last time i would ever see him.

I am a blessed girl, i have everything i needed...even a fresh new tattoo on my elbow from Stevie. The assurance of new experience ahead, good friends, my work had payed off. Gratitude was making me cry.

But that means nothing when you feel another's suicidal pain, especially when another previous brother's death looms over your head like a snow storm in spring.

....but my birthday was amazing...

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plastic spoons and crowns

plastic spoons and crowns

I have been meaning to gift all of my silverware chandlers to GAGA. I really enjoyed making them, and they keep asking about them.

They went well with my recently destroyed mirror ball ponys...Some teenage kids raided the Forest, ripped down and played kickball with a 50-60lb. mirror covered plastic pony. They also got to my Temple. Untill the Forest reopens I may not be putting stuff down there for awhile...or at least till I can take a picture first;)

I'm currently reading Art & Fear Observations on the Perils and Rewards of Artmaking. The title really caught my eye. I've never really before run into an artistic blockage, I'm always tinkering with something...I cant help it. But last year, after Art Outside, really threw some amazing roadblocks and in my way. It's not the destruction or having no audience for what I make, (although I'm feeling a little artistically isolated). I'm constantly producing, good or bad ....whatever. But "That Art Feeling" was gone after too many heavy hitting failures. My Muse had gone on vacation to California or something, leaving me at home. My only relief was staying busy... constantly. busy. always. Yet it wasn't helping my sanity.

here's a quote from Art & Fear...

"For most artists, hitting a dry spell in their artmaking would be a serious blow; for a few it would amount to annihilation. Some artists identify so closely with their own work that were they to cease producing, they fear they would be nothing--that they would cease existing...

"Some avoid this self-imposed abyss by becoming stupendously productive, churning out work in quantities that surprise even close friends...

"Still, there must be many fates worse than the inability to stop producing art ...Annihilation is an existential fear: the common--but sharply overdrawn--fear that some part of you dies when you stop making art. And it's true. Non-artists may not understand that, but artists themselves (especially those who are stuck) understand it all too well. The depth of your need to make things establishes the level of risk in not making them."

I really need somthin good this year...and God, I'm really looking forward to Lightning in a Bottle...

But for now, I had a tin can breakthrough, and some rock wireing inspiration due to Miss Shelly's "Craft Night Upstairs" last night... I'm out to sort and wire some antique bottles

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gettin' down to it

gettin' down to it

So had this dream the other night, I was on my way down a path with two little animal friends that clung to me, all snug in my pockets... a little mouse and a frog.
I was heading down into a ravine making my way back to the Forest and the mouse fell as I stumbled over a rock or something. I searched and called it's name...it was trying to find me. Then the beloved froggy snuck out of my pocket, and I desperately was searching for both of them. It was getting dark and i couldn't see anymore as i felt my way through the trees and down the hill trying to get home

I remember trying to interact with all the Forest family with a deep anxiety of trying to keep it all together. I wanted to run away and find my precious mouse and frog, almost in tears. I figured they were ok

I have recently breezed thru The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. It's a juicy little book, a quick read. Here's a quote within his book by a Scottish mountain climber that stuck with me concerning the above dream and beginning this blog.

"Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would not not otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way."

I have been riding the wave of productivity these past six days, nonstop with no Resistance and am feeling a difference. Maybe cause I lost my frog and mouse.

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